Osrin's Dream Journal

Not again.  I can't do this again.  I walked away because I can't do this . People die  when I think I can help and I can't .  Alandras never--.  Alandras was a nightmare in his own way. Literally and figuratively. And that was enough to break me.  But he never actually forced me to do anything.  He probably would have buried me in guilt if I did nothing, but-... I had a choice. I had control of my actions, which, even if I wanted  needed  more help at least I wasn't a puppet. A tool.  وعاء. I can't do this again. I get that-... I get that bringing someone back is a... good. thing. I do. I get that. But. I'd already fucked up enough times before: seeing my friends fall and not being able to do fuck-all to help them. And then this-... And then I get that unbearable second-chance when I  should have gone down and I can actually help at least one  of my friends stay standing and... I literally get forced to run the opposite direct...

Fucking Cal. It does seem on-brand with my luck lately that it would be Cal who I'd have to deal with in order to talk to anyone from Athkatla (anyone outside of Barovia). Technically, it could be worse -- Korhorn would be a million times less helpful than Cal -- but. Still. Fucking Cal.  (I can practically hear Gritsk's hypocritical but valid response to this: "At least you have contact, Osrin, don't be a stubborn dumbass." ... Fuck , what I wouldn't give for Gritsk's help right now.) Still, we aren't stranded here alone with no ties to the... world outside Barovia(?). Not comforted by the confirmation that time works differently here, though. I don't even know why I asked her what the date was, but I guess the Feywild fuckery was still in the back of my head. Maybe the disconnect will help them get to Bodaway's contact and get us information sooner, though, which, if nothing else, could be really fucking helpful.  For all that I'm more th...

Well, if nothing else, the power from Sykane does, in fact, actually work. I truly didn't think it would (or at least not without some sort of consequence, which, technically, is still possible/yet to be seen, isn't it?). It wasn't enough, really, considering nearly all of us went down, but... it was something to keep Ri-An from dying. More help than I could have done without it. Fuck, Ri-An shouldn't be in this fucking place.   What happened after though. That...  It isn't fair, whatever caused it (Sykane's doing?), that they should go down without the... unbearably powerful second chance, like I got. And, frankly, besides barely  bringing Sylvain back what good did it do, really? One less body to clear up, I guess, but other than that? On brand, though, isn't it: Osrin gets a shot at doing some good and she wastes it. This. This is why I walked away from this shite. I'll help when I can, but more often than not? I can't. Strahd left us to lick our...

  Drea  Nightmares again. It had been so long since I'd had any like this -- this vivid, this real  -- that I clearly had fallen into a sort of naive sense of comfort? Relief? that by saying "no" they'd be gone for good. Sure, the vague, blurry memories of Lu and Solstice and countless others happen every now and then, but not like this. Nightmares with this sort of clarity and detail are on level with Alandras and I thought I was ( mercifully undeservedly) done with that shite.  Then again: Barovia. If they were going to come back, it would  be here, wouldn't it? Fitting, to say the least. It isn't worth questioning how or why I'm here -- I'm sure I did something to deserve it -- but the others? Bodaway undoubtedly has a story, Ayduin probably has a lot more to him than he lets on, Sylvain possibly something to prove, and Ri-An. Fuck, Ri-An shouldn't be here. I'm grateful they are, but, of any of us, they deserve better, I think.  I knew, bef...